How to use courage, excitement to make social connections

ST. JOSEPH, Minn. – Young people told Project Optimist that courage helps them make social connections. 

Young adults are nearly twice as likely to report feeling lonely compared to people over age 65, according to an advisory issued by the U.S. Surgeon General that declared social isolation and loneliness an epidemic in 2023. 

Project Optimist hosted an event for students in November with the Multicultural Center at the College of St. Benedict and St. John’s University. Students participated in guided conversations. And they filled out surveys on social connection.

When we asked them about solutions they’ve found to overcome challenges with social connectedness, courage came up the most. 

So I dove into research on courage and anxiety for insights. 

Shift anxiety to excitement

Harvard Business School Associate Professor Alison Wood Brooks studied whether people can change feelings of anxiety to excitement in a 2013 paper. She conducted an experiment where people were asked to say “I am excited,” “I am nervous,” or nothing before they sang karaoke, gave a speech, or completed math problems. 

Dr. Wood Brooks found that students who said “I am excited” before they completed their assigned task performed better objectively and felt they performed better compared to those who said “I am nervous” or who said nothing before their tasks. 

“I found that reappraising anxiety as excitement is more effective than trying to calm down,” she wrote. “Individuals can exert influence on their own reappraisal process by stating ‘I am excited’ or by being encouraged to ‘get excited.’”

She also found that people who said “I am excited” were primed to see their task as an opportunity rather than a threat. 

Exercise your courage muscle

People are born with varied amounts of courage, but they can also practice courage, said Dr. Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries, a management scholar, psychoanalyst, and executive coach, in a Harvard Business Review article.

“Perhaps the best way to think of courage is to treat it as a muscle,” he wrote. “Some people are born with better muscles than others, but everyone can improve their muscles through training and practice.”

Here are the six things Dr. Kets de Vries believes are most helpful to people who want to become more courageous: 

• Create scenarios: Imagine the worst outcome, and also the outcome if you don’t act. “By identifying the risks they are taking, people can build immunity to their fears,” he said. 
• Recognize negativity bias: Our brains tend to focus on negative outcomes, so be aware of that and try to spend as much time focusing on positive outcomes as negative ones. 
• Talk out the fear beneath: Empower yourself by reflecting on your self-doubt. “By identifying what we are truly afraid of, we reduce our fear of the situation, which gives us the courage to act,” he said. 
• Practice going out of your comfort zone: Practice small acts of courage consciously and consistently. 
• Manage your body: Fear takes a physical toll on your body, and your mental health can also suffer when you’re physically exhausted. “In a crisis, therefore, make sure you take the time to eat well, exercise, and sleep,” he said. 
• Recognize that you are not alone: Lean on relationships you’ve built with people who understand your fears and who have shared their fears with you.

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Challenges

The main obstacle for people who want to practice courage or shift from anxiety to excitement is themselves. 

Dr. Kets de Vries also acknowledges in the piece that since some people naturally have more courage, they may be more likely to act courageously. 

However, he also notes that the environment around us affects how and when we use courage. He cites an example of his grandfather, who sheltered Jewish refugees in German occupied Holland during WWII. 

“It’s always easier to act if what you do reflects shared normative beliefs on what we consider to be the right or wrong,” he said. “That was certainly the case for my grandfather. The invaders in Holland were not exactly welcomed, and it was likely that sheltering Jewish refugees would have been considered by my grandfather’s social group as an act of defiance to be praised. It is doubtful that he would have received social support in the event that he had intervened to save a German from being assaulted by a mob of Dutchmen bent on revenge.”

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Take action

So put this into practice: 

Think of something small you want to try that you’ve been putting off. Maybe it’s checking out a new restaurant in town, joining a club, or learning a new skill. 

Go through Dr. Kets de Vries’s five steps above, which will hopefully help you summon the courage to act. Then, before you take the leap, say “I am excited.” 

Let me know how it went, and I’ll send you a copy of our Conversation Wallet Guide (for when you feel lonely or awkward).

This story was edited and fact-checked by Nora Hertel.